So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
