6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
