I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
i've created a new STD.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
