I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
