I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
MIDGETS
????
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
