I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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