i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
