I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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