Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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