I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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