Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
