I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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