hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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