the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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