He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she told me i tasted like america
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
