Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
that may or may not have been my penis.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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