I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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