youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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