lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
