hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
