I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
