Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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