Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize