the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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