You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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