Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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