All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
