I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
