oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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