I'm lost and stupid without you.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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