all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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