Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
