I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
