if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
