i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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