when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
