can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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