Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
