i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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