Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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