Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
