the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
