If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
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