Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
