I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
