I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
