that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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