I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
