I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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