Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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