you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize