Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
