I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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