1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Randomize
