I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
