If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
