at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have tasted many bathrooms
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
