please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
