The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
